Some readers have supplanted in there minds that I am not taking responsibility for my bad decisions. Truth is I am well aware of the poor choices I have made in my life, starting with losing my family at age fifteen. I'm the one who screwed that up, no one forced me to throw my young life away but me. For many years I have made bad choices and left money on the table time and again, this is my fault. I have filled my own head with self entitlement, grand delusions, and a false sense of pride. I have left many a good job just because I felt under appreciated or under paid. These things are my fault, I'm the one who walked away from perfectly workable jobs without compensation. I messed up my future by being a boorish snob without reason to behave like that. I'm nothing special yet I acted like a childish ingrate and pissed off a lot of people in the process. I have worn out my welcome in more than one business in many different towns. I screwed up.
There have been some exceptions to this meteoric rise to the bottom of the food chain however. My last place of blissful employment was Dollar General, a nine dollar an hour absolute joy. The people I worked with were great. The manager Jose was somewhat a kindred spirit. I loved that job even though I never made a ton of money, it was a great place for me. That company had many plans for me going forward, up to and including a position in management. They sent me to open other stores in other states, I was moving upward quickly. i worked every hour that was available to me night or day. I got up at five in the morning and sometimes didn't get home until late at night, I worked my ass off for them. Why did I leave you ask, quite simple, I became homeless and the only people who could take me in lived many miles away. I don't own a car or have a way back to Torrington where Dollar General is located, so I had to leave that job. It broke my heart, but what could I do, I had to leave. Without a roof over my head and the state dragging it's feet to help me, the right move was made. I left behind two jobs, (the other job would have been K Mart, but they too were slow in hiring me), and the comfort of knowing I had finally found a place I felt appreciated. i fought hard to keep my place in Torrington, but alas, I failed in all attempts.
Next was a job working for an old Greek couple at a pizza place in Southington. I went back in time to my roots for this one. It's been almost twenty years since I stepped foot in a single owner restaurant. I begged my way into this place and worked everyday, every hour they wanted me there. I showed up early and tried my best to turn back the clock to when I was younger. I sweated behind a five hundred degree oven in a kitchen without air conditioning enduring twenty-two days straight of ninety plus degree summer heat. I toiled daily the best I could trying to keep up with the fast pace of this busy award winning mom and pop diner. I felt pressure I had not felt in two decades, yet I pushed on. I thought I was doing well even though the owner rode me like a prized race horse every chance he got. to me it felt like home. Most people would have packed it in week one, I just kept plugging along. One day I walked the two or three miles to work only to find the owners had replaced me with a much younger friend of the family. I was let go. I was told I wasn't what they were looking for and seeing how I was being paid off the books, my last day was that moment. They kicked me a little extra money (which was cool), alas, I was still left unemployed. That is where I am today, jobless and being turned down by such "exclusive" place like Dunkin' Donuts, McDonalds, Rite Aid, Blimpies, and Walmat, just to name a few.
So don't tell me I'm being lazy or that I'm not trying because it's not true. I want to work but poor choices and bad luck have clouded my future. I am trying, that's why getting mental help has been so tough, no one believes I'm depressed because I do get up in the morning and look for work, I'm doing the right things. I've been told I should be lathargic and not be making good choices, I just want to survive. This has been determental to me getting the help I need, because my will to survive over rides my want to stay in bed and sulk. It's okay not to like my new found "darkness", it's just not cool to be chastising me for your misconceptions. I've had to swollow enough shit from Lucy's family and their cronies, I don't need other people piling it on. I can't force people to hire me, I wish I could. I've bugged people so much that I've been told to stop calling or showing up on several occasions. I've made plans to move on, I just need to catch a break and I may be able to move on. Until such a time I will deal with my situation the only way I know how...airing out my frustration in this blog.
