Peace Starts With You.

  I get tired of being bombarded by news of killings and other violent crimes daily. My heart aches for this country divided by it's own inability to love one another. We have bigots, paranoid nut jobs, and a government that creates fear. What has happened to this once great country?  Why have we gone so far off the deep end?
  All I know is that we enjoy freedoms most other people in this world will never see. Most people are content to gripe and groan about the way things are without a willingness to see where change starts. Change comes from us not our political leaders. We must stand up and fight for our freedoms against the powers that truly ruin our freedom...the greedy and the evil.
  I could talk all day long about the two powers and give you biblical examples of why we must fight, however most of you that will read this don't own a bible or believe in God. Most of you would rather try to govern yourselves in a self serving fashion.I know this to be true. I've witnessed the Godlessness of this country first hand. Non-believers try and crush the believers at every turn. I'm sick of hearing how it's the believers fault we are in this mess. Evil knows no God, it only knows it's own selfish desires. Greed knows only it's selfishness.                                                                                                                                        We are not fighting a war of the flesh, we are fighting an enemy that is unseen. We are fighting dark forces that control those who wish only to serve themselves. God commands us to be servants of our brothers and sisters in His name. We are told to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. We are not told to fear or disparage each other, we are told to love and care for our fellow man. We shouldn't judge a flock of real believers by the actions of a few people serving themselves in the name of God, we need to know believers by their good works. Anyone call call themselves a Christian, it's those who prove it by good works that should be our example. Christianity is not about lip service, it's about action in Christ. It's about what we do to continue the ministry started by Christ. Our ministry isn't about showing up to church on Sunday sitting in a pew and waiting for the service to end so we can get on with our day. Our ministry starts at home by living in the Word everyday, even when no one is watching.
 Christian or not a moral code starts with you. If you depend on your own righteousness to tell you right from wrong then all you are teaching is selfishness. Good works can be done without faith, however those good things can easily be undone by selfishness. A selfish work glorifies yourself and nothing else. What good is a grand house if it's built on mud? You must have a strong foundation from which to build. A moral code without God is worthless. Personal morals can change like the wind. Godly morals are set in stone by the words of the Almighty. Man distorts the words of God for his own profit, Gods word is without change. Gods words are in black and white, it's called scripture and scripture is found in the Bible.
  I want this world to change, I want this country to change but without a Godly world I'm afraid my prayers fall upon deaf ears. I will not give up on educating a non-believer why I believe, I too at one time ignored God. I know hearts can be changed by being a living example of a morally upright man, it happened to me. A morally upright man ( also my best friend) led me to Christ and my life has been better for it. I now speak with a voice that is based on a strong foundation and will do so even when no one is watching.
  We live in a violent world without peace (Gods peace), and yet I hear the Godless express their desire for a peaceful world. Well my friends I tell you this, Gods peace starts with you. God Bless.

....Of Poets and Madmen Pt.3

       Some readers have supplanted in there minds that I am not taking responsibility for my bad decisions. Truth is I am well aware of the poor choices I have made in my life, starting with losing my family at age fifteen. I'm the one who screwed that up, no one forced me to throw my young life away but me. For many years I have made bad choices and left money on the table time and again, this is my fault. I have filled my own head with self entitlement, grand delusions, and a false sense of pride. I have left many a good job just because I felt under appreciated or under paid. These things are my fault, I'm the one who walked away from perfectly workable jobs without compensation. I messed up my future by being a boorish snob without reason to behave like that. I'm nothing special yet I acted like a childish ingrate and pissed off a lot of people in the process. I have worn out my welcome in more than one business in many different towns. I screwed up.

     There have been some exceptions to this meteoric rise to the bottom of the food chain however. My last place of  blissful employment was Dollar General, a nine dollar an hour absolute joy. The people I worked with were great. The manager Jose was somewhat a kindred spirit. I loved that job even though I never made a ton of  money, it was a great place for me. That company had many plans for me going forward, up to and including a position in management. They sent me to open other stores in other states, I was moving upward quickly. i worked every hour that was available to me night or day. I got up at five in the morning and sometimes didn't get home until late at night, I worked my ass off for them. Why did I leave you ask, quite simple, I became homeless and the only people who could take me in lived many miles away. I don't own a car or have a way back to Torrington where Dollar General is located, so I had to leave that job. It broke my heart, but what could I do, I had to leave. Without a roof over my head and the state dragging it's feet to help me, the right move was made. I left behind two jobs, (the other job would have been K Mart, but they too were slow in hiring me), and the comfort of knowing I had finally found a place I felt appreciated. i fought hard to keep my place in Torrington, but alas, I failed in all attempts.

    Next was a job working for an old Greek couple at a  pizza place in Southington. I went back in time to my roots for this one. It's been almost twenty years since I stepped foot in a single owner restaurant. I begged my way into this place and worked everyday, every hour they wanted me there. I showed up early and tried my best to turn back the clock to when I was younger. I sweated behind a five hundred degree oven in a kitchen without air conditioning enduring twenty-two days straight of ninety plus degree summer heat. I toiled daily the best I could trying to keep up with the fast pace of this busy award winning mom and pop diner. I felt pressure I had not felt in two decades, yet I pushed on. I thought I was doing well even though the owner rode me like a prized race horse every chance he got. to me it felt like home. Most people would have packed it in week one, I just kept plugging along. One day I walked the two or three miles to work only to find the owners had replaced me with a much younger friend of the family. I was let go. I was told I wasn't what they were looking for and seeing how I was being paid off the books, my last day was that moment. They kicked me a little extra money (which was cool), alas, I was still left unemployed. That is where I am today, jobless and being turned down by such "exclusive" place like Dunkin' Donuts, McDonalds, Rite Aid, Blimpies, and Walmat, just to name a few.

   So don't tell me I'm being lazy or that I'm not trying because it's not true. I want to work but poor choices and bad luck have clouded my future. I am trying, that's why getting mental help has been so tough, no one believes I'm depressed because I do get up in the morning and look for work, I'm doing the right things. I've been told I should be lathargic and not be making good choices, I just want to survive. This has been determental to me getting the help I need, because my will to survive over rides my want to stay in bed and sulk. It's okay not to like my new found "darkness", it's just not cool to be chastising me for your misconceptions. I've had to swollow enough shit from Lucy's family and their cronies, I don't need other people piling it on. I can't force people to hire me, I wish I could. I've bugged people so much that I've been told to stop calling or showing up on several occasions. I've made plans to move on, I just need to catch a break and I may be able to move on. Until such a time I will deal with my situation the only way I know how...airing out my frustration in this blog.

....Of Poets and Madmen Pt.1

  When you are young, people never tell you that being a failure is a reality. We are filled with hopes and dreams that one day success will find us. We are never prepared to fail. The streets are filled with people who never realized the potential of their youth. Why?

  People lose sight of themselves and fall into the trappings of a society obsessed with beauty and wealth, never taking the time to discover the true meaning of who they are. They get caught up in the falsehood of the so-called American Dream. That dream becomes a nightmare with the realization that not everybody can be a success. People fail all the time never arriving at the top of any mountian, the mountian ends up on top of them. They fall into a state of dispair and spend the rest of their lives trying to unbury themselves from the tons of shit piled upon them, never finding help from family or friends or getting very little help from anyone. They become lost in a system of self lothing and depression, never able to step up to the challange of recovering the warm fuzzy feeling they had before they became failures. they wallow in the muck and mire of an unfulfilled potential that crushes them like bugs on a windshield, hopes and dreams are dashed by the wieght of  a cruel reality and a heartless world. Their pain becomes the only thing that they live for, living in a mass darkness which consumes every moment of their lives. The pain is the only thing that they can relate to, happiness is just a lie told to them by other people. Why does everyone insist on comforting others by saying "things will get better?"  How does anyone know things will improve?  Where is your proof?

   In a life filled with failure and pain the hope of a better tomorrow is just rubish. When all you know is heartache and disappointment, that is all you expect...nothing more. The darkness becomes sunshine to the ones who have done nothing but failed. Loss and grief becomes your daily sustinance. A world of a loving God becomes a fairytale to those who can no longer pick themselves up off the floor one last time. Why get back up when you're only going to fail again and again?
Despite what you are told by everyone else FAILURE IS AN OPTION. Failure happens everyday. There just comes a point in your life when getting back on your feet seems like a fruitless endevor. Sometimes it's just better to stay down and accept that you are a failure. Self lothing almost feels as good as a hug, darkness shines as bright as the sun and words of hope become useless background noise.

Ode To Lucy

Sometimes life throws you curveballs. On August 17th 2011 life threw me one. I lost my lover, my friend, and my soulmate Lucy Friend. She died leaving behind many people who loved her including her young son Reed. I miss her more with every breath I take. She was more than a partner in my journey called life, she was a teacher, a poet, and the kindest soul I have ever met. She inspired me to become a better father, friend, and in general a better person. She made me feel whole for the first time in a long time. She took a broken man and helped put the pieces back together. She was loving, kind and patiant to a man who had become bitter and angry over many years. She gave me purpose, hope, and helped me to find peace in a turbulent mind. She breathed new life into me. For everything she gave to me I am thankful. In a thousand lifetimes I could never repay her for the loving grace and kindness she gave to me. Lucy was a special person whos kindness echoes in the memories everyone who knew her will carry the rest of their lives.

She was a wonderful mother whom gave her son Reed everything she had. She taught Reed kindness and strength and in return Reed gave Lucy his heart. Reed loved his mother so much. Reed gave his mother a feeling of joy and happiness. They shared a special bond that can only happen between a mother and her son. Reed is a special kid with a heart that overflows with love and compassion. He is an obediant child who cares more about helping others than he does himself. He has grown up in the arms of loving parents and a mother who invloved herself in every aspect of his life. Reed was Lucy's life.

She lived not the life of kings and queens yet lived each day to serve others above herself. We lived a simple life together spending each day as if we were millionares. We did have the luxuries of the wealthy instead we fill our lives with the treasures of love. We were, in the truest definition, soulmates. Where one left off the other began, when one of us stumbled, we picked each other up. The world could not harm any of us as long as we were together. She anchored our family, giving us all the love we needed and more. She was our strength.

Now my journey has begun anew without my soulmate by my side. The waters have been rough yet I continue to push forward into the great unknown. Each day presents new challenges for me to overcome as I move forward witout her. I no longer have her physically here to help guide me through the tough times, so I can only pray that from Heaven she will continue to help me take on lifes unending tests. For now her voice is the wind in my ears, her hope the smell of spring blooms. Her strength will be the little voice in my head driving me on and her love is a warm blanket on a chilly night. Lucy will never leave us as long as we remember her boundless love and selflessness. I miss my one true love and will try and carry her flame with me to find my way in the darkness the is the forever unknown. Rest well my queen as for one day we will be reunited in the house of God and spend all eturnity together as it should be.

Hydrox and Pepsi, Please!!!!!!!

He was a rebel. A man different from most fathers I knew. To me he always seemed like he could've been one of the kids. He had a sense of humor and an easy smile that made you realize his inner child wasn't so inner. He was a man who studied people. He would people watch for hours if you let him, of course in our new paranoid  world he'd be creepy. He was gentle with a warmth that always seemed to permeate every situation he was in. He was hard to hate, believe me I tried, but it's hard to hate a man who believes The Three Stooges are high art.

My father was well read and loved books on all subjects. He could read and glean all the information he needed in just one sitting. He loved books about nature, one of his favorites was James Herriot's "All Creatures Great and Small", he even made us watch the television adaptation on PBS. It was like living with a modern day Davy Crockett, I think I knew how to fish before I learned how to swim thanks to my father. He chopped wood, ran a chainsaw, fished, and was an all around outdoors man. He once built a shanty out of plank wood in our backyard that stood for over a decade. Unfortunately not much of his woodland skills rubbed off on me.

My father was our coach for most of our baseball/ softball careers. He learned the sport right along with us just so he could be involved in our lives. My dad was a soccer guy who never really liked baseball, but for his kids he toughed it out and became one of the greatest coaches my hometown ever saw. He went from knowing zero about the sport to becoming a guru. People from all over sought his advice on how to teach "windmill" pitching for softball. He would read for hours, attend clinics, get dirty himself all to learn the sport better, it was amazing to watch.  While most men his age were putting in overtime, or watching the game on television, my dad was living it.

I believe I learned a great deal more from my dad then I ever knew. He taught me so much in a short time frame, I just wish I had realized it earlier in life. My dad and I barely talked for most of my grown up life, partly my fault, some of it his. He died January 11th 2006 from bone cancer. We never made up for whatever reason, call it stubbornness, but I never stopped loving him. He was a great man who was loving yet firm. He always seemed to have an air of confidence that left him without fear. He mentored a lot of kids in my hometown probably without them even realizing it. I realize now at age forty-two he mentored me more than I ever knew. I thank you dad for being you, never giving in to convention and always being yourself no matter where you were, I love you and miss you and only wish to say I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you and the family. I just pray one great day, God willing, you and I will stand side by side as friends for all eternity.

A Field Of Nightmares

Tradition. That's what lacks in sports today. Gone are the days of the myth makers, the golden boys who were treated like royalty everywhere they went. We would later learn just how flawed many of them were as humans, but in the moment they were our heroes. They shined brighter than any star in the sky ever could, and they soared high above us in the clouds. They were untouchable. We as kids dreamed of one day being just like them, bigger than life. Call it naive, or juvenile but these were our dreams.

Add in the fact that these heroes played in monumental palaces like Yankee Stadium, The Polo Grounds, Candlestick Park, and The Boston Gardens. These iconic buildings became as famous as the people who played within their walls. They were as much the identity of the team as the players were, sometimes even more. The buildings each had a nuance that went unmatched anywhere else. Seats that were hailed as sacred, overhangs that made the cheap seats seem really good, and groups of fans that were so fanatical they in turn had their own fans. Sports seemed magical.

Fast forward to now. Most of the players have become spoiled millionaires who could care less about the fans and the sports they play. They bring guns into locker rooms, fight amongst themselves, and of course the drugs. Not just the ones the are used for enhancement, also the ones for recreation.  It seems between the generations somehow our games were stolen from us by greedy owners and greedy players. Even the great hallowed halls fell to the wrecking ball of greed. Now we have mostly cookie cutter stadiums with all the warmth and charm of a cobra. You can blame free agency all you want, but the truth is we allowed this to happen. It's our fault as fans, we let our need to cheer and support our favorite teams get out of hand. We started paying the outrageous ticket prices to see our teams play, never thinking it would get this out of control. Pretty soon you're going to have to mortgage the house just to see a ball game with your kids, sad really.

I guess the bottom line is this. I miss the games of my youth, the heroes of my youth, and most of all the dreams of my youth. Maybe someday these millionaire cry-babies will remember a far away time when people played sports for the love of the game, not for a paycheck. Until then I just teach my kids to respect the tradition of whatever game they choose to play. I hope you do the same. If we teach our children to respect the game and their God given talent, maybe we can raise up a generation of pro athletes whom care less about money and more about the pure love of the game. This is my grown up dream.

Not The Same Old Pork And Beans!!

I know what you are thinking, how can you dress up the old stand by pork and beans?
Well it's not quite what you think. The pork is boneless chops and the beans are French cut green beans. It's a quick and easy way to have a tasty dinner you and the family will love.

First heat an 8" skillet and add just enough oil to thinly coat the bottom of the pan. Next add a cup of chicken broth, a half cup of apple juice, and two heaping tablespoons of minced garlic, this will create a brazing liquid. Let simmer for about a half hour before adding three or four boneless pork chops you have tenderized and lightly salted. Cook until chop starts to turn white on the bottom side, flip over and repeat on uncooked side. Now return to original side and cook for five minutes per side. Finish cooking when the chops inner temperature is 160 degrees. You can use a meat thermometer to check for doneness.

While you are waiting for your brazing liquid  to come to temperature you can heat up a frying pan to toast a half cup whole almonds. After the almonds are toasted, lightly salt them and rough chop them in a food processor. In a dutch oven boil one cup of chicken broth and add a pound of French cut green beans . Cook the beans in the broth until most of the liquid is absorbed. Strain out the rest of the broth to use with the pork chops. Put beans in a small casserole dish and combine with a can of cream of mushroom soup and sprinkle the almonds evenly over the top. Place in the oven at three hundred and fifty degrees for about ten minutes.

So there you have it, a quick meal for you and the family and none of those nasty pork and beans. Enjoy and God Bless.

Look Ma, No Hands!!!!!

Mom's are great, they patch us up when we fall. They give us love when we fall down. Mom's feed our tummies when we're hungry and our spirit when we need nurturing. My Mom is the reason I cook. She taught me a love for food and cooking for others. She cleaned our rooms, washed our clothes, and helped us with our homework. So today and everyday, no matter our relationship now, we should remember how our Mom's influenced our lives. So to all the mothers around the world I say Happy Mother's Day and God Bless.

Smoking Is Good !!!!!

Not cigarettes. Meat. Smoking meat is awesome. Sure it is laborious but it is so worth it.
You haven't lived until you've tasted a chicken smoked for sixteen hours with a sweet BBQ sauce and garlic mashed potatoes.
That was what I did for my birthday on Saturday, I smoked a chicken. We ate like kings. I put the chicken to smoke at midnight Friday seasoned with salt, pepper, paprika, turmeric, and cumin, after it soaked for four hours in a brine of  salt, pepper, sugar, and rice vinegar before it was introduced to my smoke box.

Slowly that box smoker cooked that beautiful bird at 150 degrees until four o'clock Saturday. First off, the smell was enough to drive you crazy, second, the skin was crisp and a dark reddish brown. The taste was a smoky, salty flavor with a hint of sweet spices.
As the chicken finished off in my oven (about 10 minutes), I concocted a Kansas City style sweet BBQ sauce from Rice vinegar, brown sugar, cumin, paprika, ground sage, majoram, and a dash of ginger for a little heat.
The sauce  cooked for about a half hour to forty minutes while the bird set up and cooled off a little.
The chicken itself fell from the bone as I touched my 7" santoku to the legs and wings. The breast just surrendered when I carved the succulent poultry as I needed to add it to the sweet tangy BBQ sauce.
So let me tell you this, if you ever get the chance to have smoked meats.......just do it!!!!!